A BRIEF HISTORY OF CRICHTONITE

This, from our Fractured Reality Annals.

Crichtonite is a recently confirmed rare inert element, classified No. 118 on the periodic table of elements and initially hypothesized as ununoctium (UUh). First reported synthesized in scientific laboratories at Lawrence Livermore and in the Russian city of Dubna, crichtonite was accidentally discovered in useful quantities on May 1, 2009, during experimental oil shale and tar sand processing operations in the continental United States. Initial reports indicate that, when trace amounts of crichtonite are inhaled in the presence of naturally occurring atmospheric gases such as carbon dioxide, they radically enhance critical thinking skills in humans

(Note: The informal name crichtonite is derived from the name of Michael Crichton, the recently deceased American physician and author, infamous for his cynical advocacy of extreme far-right causes such as double-blind experiments and strict adherence to empirical evidence. Ever the elitist cynic, Crichton even advocated controlling the masses through perennial intoxication, as detailed in his recent potboiler State of Beer.)

This unexpected effect of crichtonite on human cognitive processes ignited intense controversy as soon as it was announced. By May 4, numerous influential nongovernmental organizations, led by the Association of Politically Engaged Scientists (APES), called for a permanent ban on crichtonite extraction and any further crichtonite research. Ms. Lyudmila Chistka, the Belarussian-born President of APES, stressed that crichtonite poses such a threat to humanity that “all crichtonite research to now, I mean, must be put under strictest interdict.” When queried further, Ms. Chistka said: “Terrible, just terrible. Some world’s most prominently orthodox thinkers, after brief exposure to crichtonite, traitorously abandon unassailable scientific consensus on significant issues as that global warming tipping point is here now and imperialist essence of American Cross-Your-Heart brassiere. When everybody knows science is totally in! In, I tell you! You just must believe….Cross your heart, indeed,” she pouted, then unexpectedly began to rage and bang the lectern with her $540.00 5-inch spike Gucci: “Cross, get it? Cross! So now we are maybe fundamentalist gun-waving Christians from American overfly country, wanting to oppress women from showing breast, that universal symbol of peace and love? What next, whip women for showing any part of body, like is done by nazilike apartheidistic Jew?”

Ultimately recovering her focus, Ms. Chistka went on to pledge massive worldwide protests in support of the APES initiative and intense lobbying of progressive governments around the world to have even the informal name crichtonite banned and its use punishable as a crime against humanity. Her South African assistant, the Lithuanian-born Joe Puchadlo, added that APES is proposing the name algorite as the official name of the new element, to honor the Nobel Prize laureate Hameln Pfeiffer Algore, the universally acknowledged inventor of the permanent craniorectal insertion.

On May 5, Transnational Researchers for Immediate Climate Control (TRICC) put its considerable weight behind the APES effort. “We are mobilizing the world community to protect the disenfranchised masses,” said TRICC secretary Hlupaki Trouba to deafening applause. “We simply must prevent any of this new element from falling into the wrong hands, especially into the hands of lone wolf American white males who would then use it to subvert progress everywhere. For too long, the much-overrated and devastating Eurocentric notion of critical thinking has been used to oppress the world’s peoples.”

Almost simultaneously, the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency announced plans to declare crichtonite a deadly pollutant. “An outbreak of critical thinking would result in a pandemic worse than the Death-of-Color epidemic that struck Europe in the Middle Ages," declared Caryl Braunerals N’Sdap, the Obamite administration’s chief environmental policy czarina. “Anyone wishing for such a disaster is in dire need of intense progressive reeducation. Fortunately, we have already begun to set up camps just for that purpose, to be run by the new Youth Movement.”

In a related development, the Department of Motherland Security (DMS) has begun drafting an in-depth study on the disastrous effects of improved thinking skills on the administration of the first African-American President. “The damage to Our administration would be massive and irreversible,” said DMS Directrix Johnette de Littlebrain. “Imagine critically thinking white males, with all their guns and reactionary religions, analyzing information from non-approved sources like GetItOn.org and no longer cringing when accused of racism and sexism. It would be like a pack of rabid dogs suddenly slipping the leash inside a childcare center! They might end up demanding that the first truly progressive U.S. administration actually adhere to that ultimate instrument of white male repression, the Constitution. Why, Our administration might even lose the opportunity to make Our Party The One and Only Party, and We might actually be forced to balance the budget. No, crichtonite’s definitely got to go – even its name, even its memory! – or we’ll all soon find ourselves facing the unthinkable.”

Not to be outdone, National Organization for Just Us (NOJUs, pronounced no-Jews) got into the fray. NOJUs spokeswoman Monique Conn-Yew stated: “Our position is that the, you know, the c-element – it is racist to the core. From the perspective of Afrocentric science, which is the only real science there is, the outer electron shell configuration is totally unsatisfactory. Just look at it: three groups of six electrons! We all know what the number three represents to the shreks who specialize in oppressing black folk, don’t we? Remember the, you know, the triple-K organization? Need I say more? Ban the thing immediately or suffer the just rage of the black people!”

Finally, the much-maligned and unjustly silenced NASA scientist, Jimmy Henlein, long kept incommunicado and under virtual house arrest by far-right fundamentalist global warming deniers, was able to escape them long enough to be able to issue a statement calling for massive civil disobedience. “All oil and gas exploration must be brought to a permanent halt to prevent any release of crichtonite,” he said before being recaptured by the global-warming-and-Holocaust denying extremists. "I can just see people going out and scouting for more carbon-based fuels under the pretext of looking for this subversive element. This must never be allowed to happen, or else all our plans to bankrupt and enslave – I mean liberate, liberate – the world will collapse.”

This all gives rise to crucial questions:

• Will the Obamite policy of non-politicized science prevail?
• Or has it already prevailed?
• What is the definition of “non-politicized?”
• Will crichtonite ever see the light of day?

Stand by for further developments!